I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
