and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
