She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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