I've blown a few things in my day
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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