she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
try to milk me bitch
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
