my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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