James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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