Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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