I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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