Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
