Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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