i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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