I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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