Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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