I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
