Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
