I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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