nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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