On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
