I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
