I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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