Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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