Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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