I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
