Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
