The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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