My friends, they love my intelligence
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
