Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
