Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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