Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
