My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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