I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
