so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
