Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
