I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
