So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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