dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
