I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
grandma shit on top of the toilet
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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