fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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