Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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