Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize