I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize