I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
