I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
