I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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