I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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