if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
