I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
