i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
