I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
