When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
two words...techno handjob
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
