Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
