remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
