it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize