He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
