I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
