Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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