They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize