All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize