DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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