Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize