Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
