I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
