I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
