see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
