yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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