I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
But break dance skills will only take you so far
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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