Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
