Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
